Redwall Mayhem
by shadowandhawk
Summary: A little wierd fic about what redwall would be like in my world. not too good at summaries, so read to find out.


C/N: howdy! Hawk the correcter and poster here! If you haven't figured it out by now, that means that shadow wrote it, and yes, it is total randomness and insanity, but it is also quite funny! Read on young stranger, read on!  
  
REDWALL MAYHEM  
  
Written by - Shadow  
  
Corrected by - Hawk  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall. I wish I did, but if wishes were fishes we'd be  
  
overrun by fish and would all die.  
  
Once there was a really mean fox named Uleeya. She was really mean and always wore a kimono that had cute little fish on it. She was really mean because she was a fox and therefore automatically supposed to be evil. And to save herself a lot of explaining she just decided to be evil. She decided that she wanted to take over the abbey known as Redwall.  
  
So, Uleeya and her hoard of 500 foxes, 200 wolves, 180 ferrets, 90 rats and 1 stoat went to Mossflower where they found Redwall.  
  
At Redwall the Abbot was currently a mouse named Joe.  
  
Abbot Joe was the worst Abbot of all time and only remained in power  
  
because he threw a feast everyday. So, today Joe decided to throw a feast.  
  
Joe: Let's have a feast!!  
  
Now was the time when Cornflower came from the kitchens.  
  
Cornflower: Abbot Joe!! There is no food left!! Al your feasts have run the cellars bare!! All that is left is flour and wine!! And all the moles have grown ill from too much turnip 'n tater n' beetroot pie.  
  
But Abbot Joe was a dim-witted mouse.  
  
Joe: Well, mix the flour and wine and make some dough. Then cook it and  
  
we'll eat that.  
  
So, Cornflower, Maizeblossom, and Milletbud made up a whole bunch of  
  
tortillas of wine and flour. When the time for the feast came the dubbins all had a tortilla and became intoxicated from the wine. So the badgermum, Aris, sent them to bed.  
  
Aris: What shall we do? The dubbins are sounding like a barrack of sea vermin!!  
  
Now Uleeya was right outside Redwall. She called Taots, the stoat, to her.  
  
Uleeya: I want you to go see what the abbey beasts are doing.  
  
Taost: Okay.  
  
So Taost approached the Abbey when he was killed by a well thrown dirt clod. Uleeya turned to see a chipmunk holding a lup of earth. He was backed by a bajillion chipmunks.  
  
This was Yarooh, the chipmunk king.  
  
Yarooh: I will defeat you and Redwall Abbey!!  
  
Chipmunk1: Yes! We will win!!  
  
Chipmunk2: Yeah!!! Victory before defeat!!  
  
Chipmunk3: And dessert before dinner!!  
  
And Chipmunk3 died because he was so stupid!!  
  
Chipmunk2: That's not fair!! You can't just kill people for being stupid!  
  
Chipmunk1: Yeah, what kind author are you?!?!  
  
AND THEN CHIPMUNKS 1 & 2 DIED!!!!!!!!!  
  
Uleeya: No, I will take Redwall!! Attack my horde of 500 foxes, 200  
  
wolves, 180 ferrets, 90 rats minus one stoat!!  
  
So the two sides began to fight. Uleeya won when she trapped Yarooh in a magical box. This she chained up and threw into the Abbey. Then all the chipmunks died because they tripped over Taost the stoat and landed on their weapons.  
  
But there was a trader in Uleeya's horde. He traded a magic potion to one of the chipmunks for a Magic Card. The magic potion didn't work though and ended up killing all the chipmunks...  
  
again...  
  
Meanwhile at Salamandastron there was a hare. Actually there was five hundred hare, so really here was a hare. And there was also a badger. But this time there is still only one badger. His name is Broccoli. He is a descendant of Brocktree.  
  
And the badger was morose because no one rememberd that today was exactly two-hundred and forty-seven days until his birthday.  
  
Just like yesterday when no one remembered it was two-hundred and forty-eight days until his birthday. So he was really crabby.  
  
One of the hares said hello to him and Broccoli bit his hand off, and  
  
then bribed him to say that he bit his own hand off. So Broccoli decided to go for a drive on hid bicycle to cheer him up. He had just gotten it as a Two-Hundred And Forty-Nine Days Until Your Birthday present and he really liked it. He peddled through the sand until he couldn't go any farther.  
  
He looked behind him and realized he had only gone about twenty  
  
yards because it is really hard to bike through wet sand on a beach.  
  
Broccoli set off a distress flare and hares came to rescue him. So he spent the rest of the day wrapped in bandages and wishing someone would say 'Happy two-hundred and forty-seven days until your birthday.'.  
  
Back at Redwall there was a battle. Matthias and the Redwallians were losing against Uleeya and her horde. A mole named Chu had been kidnapped and returned wearing make-up and high heels. Uleeya truly was evil.  
  
Joe: We are doomed!!  
  
Matthias: I know.  
  
Rose: I have absolutely NO reliance to our defenses.  
  
Cornflower: MATTHIAS!! Stop eyeing Rose!! What is it with you and floral mice!!  
  
Matthias: Sorry.  
  
Then Uleeya dusted off her kimono because she hated it to get dirty.  
  
What I was really going to say was that then a wolf walked into the Abbey.  
  
Then the wolf was killed by the drunk dubbins.  
  
Joe: Look at the dubbins go.  
  
Now Uleeya was losing so she hopped on her motorcycle and escaped,  
  
taking with her favorite fox, Slaytail.  
  
Cornflower, Maizeblossom, and Milletbud then threw the tortillas at the enemy. They ate them and ended up killing eachother. All the Redwallers were really happy.  
  
Then an ottermaid by the name of Fint opened up the box. Out jumped  
  
Yarooh, the chipmunk. He ran through the Abbey and killed Cornflower.  
  
Matthias: No!! Cornflower!!! Wait.. I'm free!! I'm free!!  
  
And then Matthias proposed to Milletbud. And then Cornflower came back  
  
to life.  
  
Cornflower: I'm dead for two lines and you're off cajoling with other floral mice!! And one who is a spin off of my name!!  
  
And then Uleeya got so annoyed she drove back to the Abbey and killed all the floral mice. But after she drove away they all came back to life.  
  
Maizeblossom: I'm alive!!  
  
Joe: How did you get alive?  
  
Rose: Never underestimate the power of floral mice!  
  
Especially never when they bribed the author!! So all was well. Matthias and Cornflower took a trip to St. Ninians.  
  
Uleeya and Slaytail got engaged and lived happily ever after destroying things for profit.  
  
Rose married the one handed hare.  
  
Rose: WHAT!?!!?  
  
It's MY story. Broccoli got wished a happy whatever days to your birthday everyday for the rest of his life.  
  
And Joe was overthrown then stoned to death for being such a horrible Abbot. They appointed an otter named Rilara in his place and she was the  
  
best Abbess ever.  
  
And Taost came back to life and became Redwall's official greeter.  
  
And they all lived happily ever after the end.  
  
A/N: Done. It took me about a half hour. My quickest yet. I love the stupid simplicity. Read and review!!  
  
C/N: She finally speaks! If you looked at our other stories, you'll notice that she hardly ever makes any comments.on anything.even though I ask her to CONSTANTLY!!! Oh well. Please leave reviews, cause they make her happy, and when shadow's happy, she writes more! Later days! 


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